Exploring Your Sexual Fantasies
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7-minute read
Many folks are missing physical and sexual connection with their partners right now. Yet solo sex is one of the safest thing you can do; and for many, fantasies are an important part of solo sex.
While not all folks experience sexual interest or desire, many use their imagination to explore erotic ideas, scenarios and possibilities; of which they may experience heightened emotional and cognitive pleasures and satisfaction. Fantasies are also an excellent form of creative expression. However, like most things, fantasies and desires are influenced by the greater social and cultural context that surround our lives. Fantasies can be incredibly pleasurable and liberating experiences and the first step towards great fantasies is giving yourself permission to experience them without judgement. So, here are 9 things to consider when exploring your fantasies.
You are normal (whatever normal means)
The range of sexual fantasies is incomprehensible. All sexual activities and fantasies that do not involve the harm of others are worthy and valid, despite what you might’ve been taught. It’s completely okay for fantasies to be unique, creative and diverge from what you think they “should” look like. Just take a look at how diverse the sub-genres of fiction are - there’s often something for everyone and fantasies are the same.
What does normal look like when there is so much natural diversity? Differences in fantasies and life experiences makes a lot of sense given the uniqueness within folks’ lives. However, it’s not unusual to experience tremendous shame or guilt surrounding the content of fantasies, especially when fantasies fall outside the rigid and narrow social norms. These standards are defined by a cis-heteronormative, patriarchal, capitalist and white supremacist society that values penetration and dominance over other, worthy variance. Many of these belief and attitudes are internalised and projected, and shape the way we think and feel about ourselves and others.
2. Explore possibilities from the safety of your mind
While fantasies can support and increase arousal, pleasure and desire, the link between what we fantasise about and what we actually desire is weak. Fantasies are a place to explore and consider new posibilities that you may never act on. Giving yourself permission to experience the things you want to can be liberating and makes space for you to be congruent and authentic within yourself. This includes creative expression and thinking up sexual or pleasure-based scenarios that you might want to do in real life, might consider doing IRL or may never want IRL. If your fantasies bring you pleasure, increase your desire and help you to feel satisfied, then your fantasies are totally okay. If you experience distress associated with your sexual thoughts, there might be something else going on. Your mind is a safe space to explore and unpack those experiences and recieve possible insight into your wants, needs and desires.
3. Fantasies as a way to reclaim power
Fantasies can be a safe space to process difficult or even traumatic experiences, and have assisted many to reclaim, rewrite and re-experience an event or scenario where they may have had their right to safety, choice or pleasure violated. Fantasies can provide that safe space where you can take control and experience scenarios without the potential for harm or danger. However, for folks with recent or unprocessed trauma, it may be a useful first step to seek support with a sexologist, counsellor or trusted person who is able to support you through this experience. Check out this article to learn more about sexual survivors and rape fantasies.
4. Consider where your fantasies might’ve come from
Given that a lot of our beliefs and attitudes are informed by culture, it’s very likely many of our fantasies are shaped by the movies, TVs, books, erotica and porn genres folks might enjoy; and the relationships and dynamics in the greater society that we observe and repeat. Many of these experiences offer up a fantasy without much need for your own imagination.
Further, we know that Western culture centres some folks pleasure over others and only represents some types of bodies or certain experiences, which can shape the way you think and feel about yourself and others and then act out these attitudes, thoughts and feelings.
Be curious and suspend your judgement if you do decide to reflect on your fantasies. Ask yourself whether you’re watching or thinking about only one type of body. Is your own type of body present in your fantasies and receiving pleasure? Do your fantasies and interests reflect the dominant narratives that are present in society? Do these align with your values and beliefs? If not, why not?
5. Is it okay to fantasise when you’re with your partners?
Often, fantasies that enter into our mind are a mixture of engineered imaginations and uncontrolled thoughts. Many times, accepting these fantasies as a natural part of your experience may support you to heighten your arousal and desire, which can significantly benefit your experience with your partner(s).
Feeling stressed or worried about what these fantasies mean for your relationship can diminish arousal and pleasure, block desire and leave you at odds with a common experience that you’ll likely continue to experience.
It can be helpful to ask yourself whether these fantasies improve your sexual activity with your partners, whether they make sex an easier or more enjoyable experience or whether sharing fantasies with one another could be a new and exciting way to connect and share pleasure together - if you answered yes, then you could reason that fantasies are beneficial for both you and your partner(s). On the other hand, if fantasies take you out of your body and into your head, become distracting and prevent you from connecting with your partners, it might be worth having a conversation with your partner(s), a sexologist or counsellor about the impact this is having on your relationship and what to do about it. To read more on this, check out this article written by sexologist Tanya Koens.
6. Private vs secret fantasies
Fantasies occur in the mind and often have little impact on external factors or other people beyond supporting your arousal, increasing desire and prioritising your pleasure. These are private events that belong to you and are only experienced by you, and that is one of the wonderful things about fantasies. Sometimes, this knowledge that no-one else knows what we’re thinking can further invite arousal, pleasure and desire. While fantasies are private, they’re not secrets. You may choose to share them with select people, yet you certainly don’t have to. Nevertheless, fantasies are still part of many folks experiences and denying their existence because of shame, guilt or fear can, in turn, exacerbate these feelings. Setting boundaries around sharing the details of fantasies may be an important part of your relationship while having a conversation with your partner(s) about the benefits of fantasies in your life.
7. Sharing fantasies to enhance connection
Sharing one’s sexual interests and fantasies can be an inherently validating and vulnerable experience. Trusting someone with something so personal, that might already induce feelings of shame or guilt could put you at risk of being judged, marginalised or outed. Yet, this same risk can deepen connection and respect. Taking a risk and allowing yourself to be vulnerable through sharing your own pleasures and desires might support your partner to share theirs without fear or judgement.
However, disclosing one’s desires may never be free from risk. You might always have fears or concerns about what could happen and the possibility of a negative response. These feelings do serve an important function and are a way for you to protect yourself from negative consequences. At the same time, sharing with selected and trusted people can be an act of resistance in and of itself and can begin to challenge and change the culture that shames people for being different.
If you want to share but it feels hard - start small and share about low stakes topics. Practice opening up by initiating a conversation about your preference for books, films or music. Notice the differences and similarities between you and your partners. Notice how you feel about having different preferences from your partner and the other people around you. Be aware of how that person responds to your differences. It may give you a good indicator of whether they’re a safe or untrusted person to open up to.
8. Responding to a fantasy disclosure
The way folks respond to someone who has taken a risk to share their private fantasies can make or break a connection and has the potential to validate and accept a person or perpetuate feelings of shame. Given the significance of this event, here are a few things to keep in mind when responding to a fantasy disclosure. Before you respond, pause for anywhere between 10 - 60 seconds. Focus on your body, notice and be curious about what you’re feeling. Take deep diagraphm breaths. If you need more time to understand what you’re feeling and thinking, let the person know you need a quick break and then dash off to the loo or some other space to have a minute alone. While you’re there, take a moment to think about your response. Remind yourself that there is incredible diversity in experiences, that all fantasies often don’t exist outside someones mind and that there is a weak link between fantasies and actual desires. Even though it may feel hard, it’s possible to remain respectful, turn towards and acknowledge that experience without having to agree with it.
9. Connect with others that have similar preferences.
The development of technology and expansion of the web has created endless opportunities for connection we once wouldn’t have access to. Find forums, online groups or connect with people through social media. Finding and connecting with others with shared fantasies and interests could facilitate your ability to realise that there are people out there with similar interests you that you can learn from and connect with.
