Navigating Intimacy and Sex After Sexual Assault
Navigating intimacy and sex after sexual assault
Many survivors of sexual assault have described to me the experience of feeling a deep disconnect from themselves, not knowing what they want or believing that intimacy and sex will not be possible again for them. Others have spoken of an experience of never-ending fear or intensity, of being so hyperaware that it stops them from being present in any moment of their life. And this makes sense. Sexual assault can be an extremely distressing and frightening event that changes one’s relationship with their body and the connection with oneself. It may feel like safety, pleasure, eroticism and connection have been pilfered away. That their body has been forced into a state of survival and trapped there, with little room for more than irritation, fear and exhaustion.
The body remembers the assault that happened to it. After sexual assault, sex, intimacy and pleasure become reminders of the violation and the body may be unable to differentiate between touch that is consensual and forced touch existing in the shadow of consent. Because of this, the experience of intimacy and sex is changed and may feel unsafe, threatening, triggering and rather than feeling pleasure and desire, survivors feel dread, panic and shutdown.
What is trauma?
Peter Levine, somatic experiencing founder and trauma therapist famously said, “trauma is not what happened to us, but what we hold inside in the absence of an empathetic witness”. What Peter is saying is that trauma is not the event, but the body’s reaction to the event without care and safety (the empathetic witness). The lack of sociopolitical systems in place that prevent assaults from occurring in the first place, the prevalence of victim blaming and shaming or retraumatisation that many survivors experience further exacerbate the trauma and highlight the absence of the empathetic witness. It is the nervous system’s response and threat detection system that has been activated and remains activated – and of course it would, this is how our bodies work. Feeling numb, disconnected or dissociated are protective and adaptive responses that should not be overridden, calmed or pathologised. Instead, we can all do more to be curious and acknowledge just how wise the body is for protecting itself without trying to force feeling.
When the body lives with trauma, being present and feeling can be too much or overwhelming. Paradoxically, avoiding feeling and avoiding triggers can also create more pain and tension. Trauma interrupts the body’s natural rhythms and cycles of contractions (wanting to rest, wanting to withdraw, becoming tense, approaching a limit) and expansions (a sense of ease, an openness, a curiosity, a reaching out). Survivors might find they become stuck in a contracted state (shut down, in freeze) and unable to access the expansiveness of touch, sex, intimacy and pleasure. Or, perhaps they become stuck in an expansive state, such as over working, extreme busyness, hyper-vigilance, fawning, constant overwhelm and they struggle to access supportive contracted states, like noticing when they want to rest, slow down and may continue to push themselves beyond their capacity. Without understanding and finding ways to notice and support this rhythm, navigating triggers and allowing feeling are too much.
How sex therapy can support survivors to reclaim their relationship to their body and reconnect with intimacy
Understanding the nervous system and its survival responses is a useful place to begin the slow shift back towards connection for many survivors. When they relearn and remember that their body did not betray them, that it did everything it could to keep them safe, they are on the precipice of finding ways to move through the shame and self-blame intertwined with sexual violence.
The aim of trauma-informed therapy is not to fix or get rid of the trauma or the pain but to support mind-body connection, choice, self-trust, embodied consent, eroticism and relearning to notice and allow the rhythm of contraction and expansion.
Reclaiming the relationship to the body happens through intentional building of safety to reconnect with sensations in new and different ways, gradually and overtime. It’s the noticing and responding to these cognitive and bodily signals without tolerating or enduring unwanted experiences and allowing the body to contract and find safety for itself without interruption.
The work of reclaiming is the noticing of small moments of pleasure and desires, the subtle moments of expansion, ease, and curiosity around who feels supportive enough to let in. It is about reconnecting with oneself and building a different relationship with the body while acknowledging the systems and expectations that we all exist within.
Finding a way back to intimacy, pleasure or sex again after sexual assault is not something that survivors do alone. Reconnecting is work that happens in relationship - with a trauma-informed therapist, with friends, the community, trauma-aware partners, loved ones, through connection to animals, the land and supportive places.
How to reclaim the body and find a way back to intimacy & sex
Rebuilding a sense of safety – noticing moments of ease, finding glimmers, bring your curiosity and awareness to the people animals and places where you feel a sense of safety, less tense or less on edge.
Talk about the ways your body has kept you safe with supportive people who can witness your story with empathy and care.
Start to track and map your nervous system - learn the language of your body and keep track of the subtle signals and shifts that it sends to you. Do you start to feel tired, become irritated or notice that your muscles become tense? Do you notice your breath becoming shallow or that you’re holding it? Does your mind start to wander? Do your thoughts start to spiral or become foggy and unclear? Do you notice wanting to leave, to run away, to lean away from someone you’re with or something you’re doing? These are the subtle cues and the language your body speaks in. Most of us are taught to override or ignore these signs and instead we learn push through, tolerate or endure. Overtime, as it becomes possible to tune in, to listen and to feel, then you can begin to build a different kind of relationship - a trustworthy relationship - with your body.
Connecting with pleasure gradually, noticing the smallest moments of ease for 30 seconds at a time - what do you notice when you stand under the shower, paying attention to the temperature or sensation of the water? How is it to notice the heat from your mug in your hands while you drink tea? What about the feeling of sunshine as it warms you skin? How does it feel to notice the tickle of an animal’s fur or the feeling of their heartbeat against yours?
Learn about your limits - what don’t you want? what aren’t you comfortable or willing to do? how does your body communicate that? how do you notice the contexts when you might go along with something you don’t want? In The Art of Receiving and Giving, Dr Betty Martin writes “The misconception about generosity is that you should be willing to do pretty much anything, and if you aren’t you need to change your attitude and expand yourself somehow. This is backwards. The secret to generosity is to tend to your limits. When we can say no, we no longer have to guard against what someone may ask us for, so we relax and become generous within our limits. Its limits first, and then generosity, ease and joy arise from there. Like any form of giving, if you feel resentful or hesitant, you have not yet noticed or communicated your limit. When you feel tense about giving, look to your limits. Ask yourself “what am I afraid they will ask me for?” Which is to say, “what am I afraid to say no to?”. You might find that when you trust yourself to stay responsible, your limits themselves will somewhat relax. You learn you don’t have to keep you guard up and that you can change your mind at anytime”.
Stay curious and open to the ways your body might slowly begin to communicate desires. This usually follows after you begin to notice what you aren’t willing to do. How does your mind and body communicate when you want something? What makes that hard to hear? How can you keep listening? Staying curious and not needing to have the answers is enough. Your desires will emerge over time.
Start to connect with the harder to feel emotions, including the shame, fear, anger, hurt, confusion. You can’t selectively numb. Once you begin to feel some feelings, you learn how to feel all of your feelings.
Learn how to navigate triggers without needing to avoid them or force yourself to endure them.
Remember that you do not need to fix, cure or get rid of your trauma. Trauma, like grief, is something that can’t be fixed. It can be moved through, carried and integrated as the body is reclaimed and learns to feel safe again, yet the trauma and memory of what happened is not gone.
Distressing and frightening events like sexual assault and other forms of violence, abuse, discrimination and oppression happen in relational contexts. Integrating and supporting trauma and healing need to happen in relationships. Finding, building and maintaining supporting, caring relationships of all types is a process that happens over time.
If you’re wanting to learn more about navigating sex and intimacy with trauma or after sexual assault, if you’re a partner or a loved one of someone that experiences trauma or if you’re ready to start exploring for yourself, get in touch or book a session with Kass below.
