Is It Possible To Change your Desire?
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11 minute read
Some folx who seek sex therapy are looking to understand their sexuality and sexual experiences or reduce the impact their differences in desire might be having on their relationship. Others may wonder whether it’s possible to adjust their sexuality and shift their desire so its less of a problem within their relationship or so it fits with what they expect a normal sexuality should look like.
Desire related dissatisfaction or desire discrepancies within relationships are some of the most common reasons people access sexual support. Having a desire experience that differs from a partner can lead to significant conflict, distress or the end of a relationship. Most times, someone’s level of desire is usually not an issue for that individual and becomes a problem in the context of relationship and social expectations.
While sexuality is fluid and can fluctuate over one’s lifetime, it can’t be intentionally changed or forced to conform with the norm. Having no or lower desire is as valid as having a higher interest in sex. One person’s norm is different from another’s norm and these differences are ok despite indoctrination that repeatedly suggests it isn’t. Expecting or wanting to change your sexuality and sexual response stems from internalised heteronormativity, patriarchal and colonialist beliefs that dictates the ideal sexuality and experiences based on gender, race, disability and body type when it comes to your sexual identify, preference and how often you’re allowed to feel like being sexual. These rigid expectations are what gives rise to shame, anxiety and relationship distress. As a society and as health professionals, we fail to acknowledge the natural diversity in sexuality and the role these systemic obstacles play in inhibiting sexual potential and wellbeing.
The work to reduce the impact that desire has on relationships is less about trying to change yourself or your partner. Instead, it involves taking steps to understand these differences, being curious, expressing empathy, reducing the barriers within our control that get in the way of satisfying sex, connecting with turn ons and exploring beliefs about sex are all part of the approach to decreasing the impact. Ultimately, being creative, open to new possibilities and adjusting expectations is what can improve relationship and sexual satisfaction without having to change yourself or another.
Early Desire
It’s well known that the intensity of desire at the beginning of a romantic or sexual relationship may be higher and not necessarily reflective of your normal desire for the duration of a relationship. It’s normal for desire to fluctuate but early desire often complicates things and can lead to partners forming inaccurate expectations around frequency of sex.
Limerence is the term to describe the phase of heightened interest at the beginning of a relationship, also known as the honeymoon period. A combination of neurotransmitters, curiosity and novelty are what contributes to this peak in sexual interest and may make these early desire experiences appear dissimilar to desire at other stages. It’s the experience of intense wanting and a feeling that you can’t get enough of someone. It’s also a time when you’re curious, where there are few unaddressed disagreements or built up resentment to make it harder for your arousal and desire to switch on. At this early stage, you’re more likely to be in a process of exploration and open to having new experiences before settling in to comfortable and safe routines that may overlook undiscovered opportunities for pleasure and connection.
This same phenomena is what has lead us to believe that sex is a drive. Drives are automatic systems within all creatures to assist their survival. Without these things we would die. While we have a drive for hunger, thirst, warmth and connection, we do not have a sex drive. Nobody has every died from a lack of sex and despite what we might think, sex is not an essential basic need. If it feels like it is, it could be because sex is the pathway to meet your need for connection, validation, pleasure or touch. This idea that sex is a drive perpetuates the myth that sex is natural or happens spontaneously, whereas the reality is that desire takes time and effort to grow and can easily be disrupted. It’s the same reason why so many people feel abnormal, broken or ashamed when their perceive their desire as an enigma that can’t be controlled.
Types of Desire
Determining your type of desire and making small changes in your approach to connecting with sex are often what can make the biggest difference to increasing opportunities for sexual connection.
You’ve probably heard of spontaneous desire; a type of desire which at first glance may seem to reflect early desire. It’s the model that we’re sold as the normal or preferred desire experience. Spontaneous desire is common, but it does not reflect the majority and leaves many folx dissatisfied or distressed with their own level of interest in sex.
When it comes to spontaneous desire, desire for sex is often in anticipation of pleasure. This may be because sex is consistently pleasurable, often always meets their pleasure needs and stressors or obstacles that might get in the way of sex for others are more easily ignored.
In contrast, responsive desire is desire that occurs in response to pleasure and/or arousal and is more commonly experienced despite its absence in cultural depictions of sex. This type of desire helps us realise that more often than not folx need a trigger or a cue to activate their desire and that desire (and arousal) are slow burners that need to gradually build in response to continuous sexually relevant information.
Turn Offs: Identify Obstacles In The Way Of Desire
Are you more likely to notice sex in your environment? Or are you more sensitive to the barriers, stressors and all the reasons not to have sex? Determining how sensitive you are to sexually relevant information or to barriers that turn you off is a key part of your sexual response that falls somewhat within your control. Knowing what turns you off and taking steps to decrease those obstacles is as integral as knowing what turns you on and deciding to prioritising these pleasures.
Black, Indigenous, people of Colour (BIPOC), women, queer people, disabled folx and those with chronic illness face high rates of oppression and discrimination, are more likely to be caregivers and carry the mental load which are all monstrous barriers to arousal and desire. Long term or chronic stress is linked to decreased wellbeing, high rates of inflammation and difficulty perceiving pleasure because the individual’s brain and body are preoccupied with survival. Low or absent desire, arousal and pleasure makes sense when folx are constantly exposed to social structures and systems that are oppressive or violent, impacting the most oppressed groups in every area of their life, including their sexual wellbeing.
Encountering stressors, anything from racism or ableism to partnered pressure results in sympathetic nervous system activation. When you’re stressed, your sexual response, inclusive of your potential to feel pleasure, arousal and desire is switched off. Your brain and body do not have enough resources to allocate towards getting turned on when their priority is survival. This explains why addressing obstacles to pleasurable sexual encounters typically needs to come before connecting with things that turn you on.
Completing your stress response and engaging coping strategies to shift this stress out of your body everyday is a key practice. Movement, physical activity, connecting with nature, having a cry, feeling your feelings, seeking support, creative expression, affection and touch, connection with your community and prioritising rest and pleasure are also useful ways to move stress out of your body and necessary to transition into the headspace for sex.
Relationship dynamics with current or past partners, feeling disconnected from partners, privileges and unbalanced power, ongoing or unresolved conflict are other common hurdles in the way of desire. Making space to explore feelings of resentment, frustration, fear, contempt, criticisms, indifference, hurt and loneliness or not feeling seen or understood are necessary for addressing desire concerns. Recognising how years of these feelings build up and create walls around individuals who may eventually come to dread sex or begin to avoid all forms of intimacy.
Beliefs and anxieties surrounding sex can further block sexual potential. These are the “what ifs”, the fears and thoughts that you’re not good enough, ashamed of how your body looks, angst that you’ll lose your erection, afraid that sex will hurt or that you’ll disappoint a partner. Exploring the origins of these beliefs, making space to process feelings and being curious about the purpose these beliefs and feelings may serve disarms judgements and creates the space to move through them or mindfully shift your attention away from them.
Finally, are you having the kind of sex you want to be having and the kind of sex that feels good to you? A definition of sex where penetration is the central activity might not be enjoyable, possible or your preferred type of sex and that’s ok. Yet, pushing yourself to have the same kind of sex that doesn’t work for you, rather than considering ways to expand and explore different types of sex may see your interest in sex plummet. Given that many people experience responsive desire and that desire occurs in response to pleasure, when sex is routine or unsatisfying, it’s no surprise why you might not desire it.
Turn ons: Don’t Schedule Sex, Connect With Your Sexual Side
What turns you on? What feels good for your body? Figuring out what you need to build arousal and having realistic expectations that it can take between 15minutes and 60+ minutes to become aroused enough to want sex makes a big difference in being able to transition into the headspace for sexual encounters. If your desire is responsive, then it needs a trigger to creates an opportunity for arousal to grow and the most effective triggers and your turn-ons.
Explore experiences or cues that turn you on and be intentional about connecting with those things. While scheduling sex seems useful in theory, in practice it’s fraught with pressure, anxiety and reinforces avoidance of all forms of intimacy.
Connect regularly with sexually relevant cues including reading erotica, watching porn, scrolling through sexy photos, taking your own photos, prioritising solo sex or talking about sex frequently (check out the Gottman’s Card Game for an activity to get talking about sex). Create relationship rituals and regularly shower together, have regular massages or date nights. Remember to stay curious about your partner because they’re not the same person they were when you met them and learn new things about them they didn’t know before to continue enhancing connection. Decide to increase the length of each cuddle and embrace your partner each time you meet up and increase opportunities for regular touch that feels pleasurable and doesn’t always lead to sex.
Diversity in Sexuality
For folx who experience occasional, limited or no sexual attraction towards others and/or who rarely feel like or want sex may be less about obstacles, relationship dynamics or beliefs and more about their sexual identity.
Approximately 1% of the population is asexual; an umbrella term that includes a range of experiences from no sexual interest or attraction, to occasional attraction and desire in the right contexts. Asexuality is about as prevalent as there are redheads (1-2% of the population) or people with green eyes (2% of the population) and if low or absent desire and attraction is part of your experience, exploring sexuality diversity, enhancing your understanding of the spectrum of sexuality to asexuality, rather than attempting to change it can better support you to move forward and set realistic expectations within your relationships. For more info on asexuality, visit the Asexuality Visibility Network.
The Bottom Line
Whether you desire is absent, lower or high, your experience is valid. Sexual desire, like most experiences are diverse and this diversity is a normal part of being a human. Your desire and the sexual encounters you have within your relationships don’t have to reflect the dominant standard in order to have a connected and satisfying relationship.
Desire can’t be forced and it often can’t be changed. Pressuring yourself or placing expectations on a partner to be sexual when they don’t feel like it or don’t want to is more likely to lead to resentment, reduced enjoyment in sex, lack of sexual pleasure and satisfaction and avoidance of touch or other forms of intimacy.
It’s ok if your sexual encounters or your desire doesn’t look like you thought it would, or if it looks different from what it once was. When the script doesn’t seem to match your experiences, the script is wrong, not you. Allow your desire and sexuality as it is right now to become your new normal.
