How do I access my desires when I don't know what I want?
Photo by Alexis Fauvet on Unsplash
6-minute read
Where did the idea come from that people should be experts at sex, to know exactly what they want before they’ve ever tried it and to communicate this with confidence?
This premise isn’t so dissimilar from the completely false idea that people should be able to read their partners mind, know what their partner(s) wants and give it to them before they even ask. While logically most of us would suggest the latter is unrealistic or impossible, we’re also just as likely to fall into the trap of believing we should have a clear idea of our desires, wants and preferences well before we begin our sexual debut or before we’ve even tried it. Can you look at a meal and predict the exact degree of your enjoyment for it if you’ve never tasted any of the ingredients before? Probably not and it’s the same for sexual pleasure.
It’s also not uncommon and many people I work with carry this idea and the entrenched shame that it brings. It might show up as not feeling confident or not allowing yourself to explore, adhering strongly to a sexual script that starts with foreplay followed by the main act of penetration and ends with orgasm, anxiety when anticipating sex or avoiding sex in all forms. Further, holding the belief that one must be an expert at sex and have a clear idea of what they want before they do it can contribute to sexual pain, performance and pleasure anxiety, erectile disappointment and arousal difficulties. When there’s a pressure to know it all, you’re likely to shift out of your body and the moment and become trapped in spiralling thoughts that intensify shame and lead to avoidance.
Here are 9 tips for accessing your desires and exploring what you might want when you’re really not sure:
Start exploring
You have permission to explore your body, your pleasure and your sexuality through sexual encounters, with partners or yourself. Exploring what you enjoy and what you desire happens through trial and error. It often takes time and repetition to discover what you really enjoy, giving your body time to get use to new experiences, touch and play. When you aren’t able to access desires it could be because you don’t have all the information (because the experience is too new, haven’t had time to reflect) or the information may be inaccessible because your sexual and arousal system has shut down. Most folx don't know what feels good until they've tested the waters, spent some time trying it out and reflected on whether its something they actually want rather than what they think they should want as decided through social norms and the patriarchy.
Communicate with your senses
If you’re exploring with partnered sex, communication is what allows your partner(s) to stay on the same page and explore with you. Communicating during sex and pleasure experiences is a skill that we probably haven’t been taught. We learn talking sex is awkward, weird, embarrassing and shameful, so it’s okay if it takes time to figure out what works. Communication isn’t exclusively a verbal act and can occur through all your senses. Use your mouth and moan, sigh, say yes, go slow and no or share safe words (eg the traffic light system: green = feels good, proceed; yellow = slow down, I’m not sure about this; red = stop) or simply saying “can we try xyz?”. Use touch to demonstrate to partners (on your body or theirs) how you’d like to be caressed or a tapping system across body parts or predefined taps to communicate the desire to change, stop or continue. Use your eyes and ears to share and recognise enjoyment and to notice changes in your partner. Recognise the signs of shut down or being triggered (stopping, becoming quiet, withdrawing touch, pushing away) means they can say “stop” and take steps to return to a safe space if you can’t.
Listen to your body
Your body can tell you a lot about what it enjoys and doesn’t enjoy. It communicates this through feelings and physical responses or sensations (eg relaxing, tensing, lump in your stomach, tingling in your genitals, warmth in your chest) rather than with thoughts or words. Paying mindful attention to your body is the only way to notice the messages its sending to you. When you’re present in your body you’re more in-tune to signs of arousal, more able to perceive sensations that feel good, not so good or approaching a trigger in order to make adjustments. Being present in your body can be uncomfortable or even triggering for some, especially if your body has been the site of illness, pain, violence or other forms of trauma. If this is the case, practice spending time in the neutral parts of your body and pay attention to sensations there. Use grounding techniques and notice the sounds around you from far to near, use ice cubes create new sensations or move your body and see if you can listen to it in these ways.
Pleasure is the measure
Once you've tried out an activity and deciding whether it’s something you'd like to add to your sexual repertoire, here are some things to ask yourself:
What about this experience was pleasurable?
In what ways did it meet my sexual wants or needs and leave me feeling satisfied?
How did it support me to feel connected to myself and/or my partner(s)?
Would I/we want to try it again?
Which elements would I like to adjust, if any?
How much energy did it use and do I have any reserves left?
Recognise the “shoulds”
When you begin to explore desire and centre pleasure, you might notice that what you want or what you're into may shift or may not align with what you might've been taught you should want. Untangling the shoulds from your wants is a challenging feat, especially since social norms and expectations will inform your wants to some degree. However, there is a difference between expecting yourself to want something because you’ve been taught it’s normal compared to wanting something because of how it makes you feel. Do some journaling, unpack it with partners.
You’re allowed to change your mind
Just because you've suggested something doesn't mean you have to follow it all the way through. Give yourself (and your partners) permission to change your minds. Knowing you have space to pause, communicate and change your plans can make it safer to be more adventurous. If there is resistance here or it feels hard to ask for an adjustment, sit in that discomfort. Use your hands or body language to suggest a change rather than having to find the words.
Do your research
Knowing what you want can seem unreachable if you've never been encouraged to explore. How are you suppose to know what you want or like if no-one has ever asked you or given you the opportunity before? Scour the internet, read erotica, watch porn that represents people like you and bodies like yours, talk to your partner(s), friends, communities online and take note of things that seem interesting or appealing in some form. If you feel overwhelmed or lost, create a lists of things you *might* like to try.
Create a plan of action
If you're having partnered sex, explore what you might be into with a partner before it’s time to get busy. Talk about your concerns, anxieties, set up safe words, a tapping system or other ways to communicate. If you think it’s possible you might become triggered or dissociate, tell your partner(s) what you need from them to come back or feel safe again. Use this opportunity to build excitement or get turned on together. Talk about what feels exciting, the roles you could each play and decide how you’re going to centre each persons pleasure. Having these conversations often can normalise that exploration and negotiation is an important but normal part of sex and a new type of foreplay.
Give yourself permission not to know
There's a lot of pressure to have all the answers, to know exactly what you want and how to ask for it. The reality is that it takes time to explore what you enjoy, practice and permission to know how to ask for it. We’ve been socialised to believe we must be sexperts, know what we want and articulate that with ease without any practice. We’ve been taught that sexual encounters have to be clear cut and there’s no room for error, mistakes or messiness. To complicate this further, we’ve simultaneously been taught that being too sexual or asking for too much is an individual failing and an overindulgence. Practicing self-kindness, patience and acceptance goes along way here. Pay attention to when you’re being overly judgemental and challenge yourself (or your partners) and start to slowly let go of these expectations. Give yourself permission and remind yourself often that’s its okay not to have all the answers before you try something out. Sexual encounters are a place to explore what might feel good for you in your body as it is right now, a place to reclaim and redefine sex and pleasure for yourself. Your wants and desires may change from week to week, or gradually overtime. Make space for growth and remember it’s ok not to know what you want; sex after all is an experience of exploration and discovery.
